I've been thinking about doing this for awhile blogging about the uninvited house guest that came to live with us last Fall. Some people know our story... others just know that we have been going thru some ordeal without really knowing what. I used to love writing, journaling and blogging but haven't done so for quite awhile. I've decided that maybe writing about this will help work thru some of the pain.
Last year ED came to stay with us. He brought all of his baggage and moved right in. He certainly wasn't invited and now that he is here he isn't willing to move out. He is abusive, mean and nasty. ED has to be made to leave but there is only one person here who has the power to make ED leave and she isn't ready to do that. Why don't we just kick ED out? It's not that simple... ED is an eating disorder.
In January of this year, my then 16 year old daughter, Kaitlyn, was officially diagnosed with anorexia... but I had known since November but more on that later. With Kaitlyn's diagnosis in January, she has had one 11 day inpatient hospital stay, 10 weeks of a hospital day program and is currently in intensive outpatient therapy. The road traveled has been long with many hills and valleys.But maybe before I go any further, I should start at the beginning.
In April/May of 2011, Kaitlyn had decided that she wanted to participate in a sport. She seemed more interested in ones that had "open" membership (try-outs" to make the team weren't required). After looking at a few, she had decided on cross-country. Even though she was never a "runner", it seemed like a good fit for her as she would be competing more against herself than another team. We took Kaitlyn to her pediatrician for a physical in May and she started the summer off going to captains practices.
I'm not sure if I should talk about weight here or not but I think I will for some of these earlier numbers. At her physical, Kaitlyn weighed 122 lbs... definitely within her recommended weight range for her height. As she was not opposed to eating McDonald's or pop tarts or drinking shakes or frappuchinos and was not doing regular exercise, her initial weight loss was not unexpected. We hear so much on the news that our kids today are weighing more and more due to their diets and lack of regular exercise. So while I never thought of Kaitlyn as over-weight, I justified her weight loss because she hadn't been "fit" before.
Kaitlyn really seemed to like running but had no problem skipping practice if the weather was off and she wasn't really doing any exercising other than the running. However, as she started running, she became more aware of her diet. It seemed silly, I guess, to run and still eat the same foods. As she became more aware, she asked for more fresh fruits and vegetables, more natural products and less processed. Of course, I thought this was a great idea. We could all benefit from this new and improved change. Heck, it led to me giving up regular soda last August (Coke was like an addiction).
As Kaitlyn ran that summer and changed her eating habits, the weight started to come off so that the first time she stepped on a scale in July she was down about 6 lbs. She was amazed and felt good. The weight continued to drop... 114... 110... 105... and lower. Kaitlyn used to tell me that she felt her best around 114... that she had the most energy then. Although now when asked she says she feels like 110 would be more her ideal weight (just for the record she has been told that 115 to 125 is the ideal weight for her height... with her goal weight adjusted to around 117).
I was able to justify the weight loss because she was eating healthy. She ate breakfast and dinner at home and was eating lunch, I assumed, at school. When you see your child eating and so healthy, like we're told our kids should, you don't think something is wrong... or at least I didn't. There were little triggers that I missed... I remember seeing some of her cross country teammates eating candy at meets but never Kaitlyn.... she was limiting her meat intake but talked about becoming a vegetarian... but again I just assumed she was sticking to the healthy routine... she had more discipline. Well, I was correct there... she did have discipline but not in a good way.
She says it all started to change. She knew she was losing too much weight but didn't know how to stop it. Then it became more mesmerizing, entrancing... watching the number on the scale drop each time. Soon it became how much (or actually little) could she put in her body. She began restricting. It got to the point where she no longer knew when or even if she was hungry. She would tell me later that food stopped being food and became a number (it's calorie count). She said that she was able to justify it when she would hear other kids at school say that they skipped breakfast ("See, I'm normal... they're just like me.) My first hint of trouble came the first weekend of October.... Homecoming.
The day of Homecoming we had to get safety pins and pin her dress so it was tighter. Her dress was a size 0! I remember at pictures before dinner, her BFF's mom made a comment about how she wanted to feed carbs to some of the girls, Kaitlyn being one of them. I justified how she had lost weight with the running and her healthy diet. It was until we got the pictures developed that I began to observe and ask questions... unfortunately leading me to the wrong conclusion. In Kaitlyn's Homecoming pictures, her collar bone was clearly visible and I remember thinking just how thin she looked. I remember talking to a coworker about how she looked in her pictures... "but she eats.. I see her eat", I said. I started to pay closer attention to what she was eating. Breakfast was almost always egg whites and spinach or hot oat bran cereal. Dinners varied but she almost always modified them, "healthified" them. I remember making an enchilada casserole for dinner one night. She took a piece of it and placed it on a huge bed of raw spinach. Again... she eats(!)... she just makes it more healthy. Because I saw her eating, I began to think that she had an altogether different health problem.... juvenile diabetes.
My older sister, at 14, was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. I was only 3 at the time and don't remember much of it but I grew up being told the symptoms on a regular basis.... frequent urination, huge appetite but loses weight, lethargic. It got to the point in late October to where I asked a friend if I could borrow her glucose reader. We tested Kaitlyn once... the reading was in the normal range albeit on the lower edge of the range. Now I was really confused... I was expecting a higher number. We were going to test again in a few days and try again.
It was right after this in early November that Kaitlyn talked to me. We had just arrived at home from some place and hadn't exited the car yet...
"Mom, I think I know what's wrong with me and it's not diabetes. I think I have an eating disorder."
I didn't understand what this would all mean right then and there but ED had already moved and was making himself comfortable.
